The Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town, St. Joseph was searching, walking up roads and down; Our Lady was waiting, so meek and so mild, While Joseph was seeking a place for the Child;

The children were nestled, each snug in their beds, The grown-ups wouldn't bother, there's no room they said;

When even the inkeeper sent them away, Joseph was wondering, where they would stay;

He thought of the caves in the side of the hills, Lets go there said Mary, it's silent and still;

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, Made pathways of light for their tired feet to go;

And there in a cave, in a cradle of hay, Our Saviour was born on that first Christmas Day!

The Father was watching in heaven above, He sent for His angels, His couriers of love;

More rapid than eagles God's bright angels came; Rejoicing and eager as each heard his name;

Come Power, Come Cherubs, Come Virtues, Come Raphael, Come Thrones and Dominions, come Michael and Gabriel;

Now fly to the Earth, where My poor people live, Announce the glad tiding My Son comes to give;

The Shepherds were watching their flocks on this night, And saw in the heavens and unearthly light;

The Angels assured them, they'd nothing to fear, It's Christmas they said, the Saviour is here!

They hastened to find Him, and stood at the door, Till Mary invited them into adore;

He was swaddled in bands from His head to His feet, Never did the Shepherds see a baby so sweet!

He spoke not a word, but the shepherds all knew, He was telling them secrets and blessing them too;

Then softly they left Him, The Babe in the hay, And rejoiced with great joy on that first Christmas Day;

Mary heard them exclaim as they walked up the hill, Glory to God in the Highest, Peace to men of good will!

By: Sister St. Thomas, B.N.D.

I obtained this Copyrighted Poem at Catholic Online.

From: "Jlee"
Date: Thurs Jan 2, 2003
Subject: Christmas

Dearest Resa

Your description of the joys and sorrows of the season left me with many tears. But the way you and the family handled it should be printed for others to read and feel. Your gift of writing truly is inspirational. I plan to forward it to my kids just so they count blessings more often. I really do not like being so far away from them especially at Christmas. I am so happy for you to be so close in distance and spirit.

Aloha, God bless and keep your family living the spirit of Christmas.

The Catholic Poem was beautiful.

Much Appreciation Jeanne



From: "'Resa"
Date: Sun Nov 24, 2002
Subject: The Decorations

If you have never had someone die in your home right before the holidays, you might not be aware of the special problems that the survivors are challenged with overcoming. It involves many things. My senses were even affected.

First and probably most prevalent was that of smell. Strange but those who have experienced the big “C” (cancer) realize that the “smell” lingers in the air and permeates everything.

Since housework has always been a coping mechanism for me when I needed to be physical and to turn my mind off, I cleaned for days after Bill’s death. Each time that I thought I had finally gotten rid of the odor, one of the girls would proclaim that they could still smell “it.” As a nurse I had come to think of “it” being the “smell of death.” That certainly didn’t go with my idea of Christmas, so I scrubbed some more.

The next sense I addressed was that of my sight. Everywhere I looked there were reminders of the previous six weeks and of Bill’s illness. I had bruises on the outside of both my thighs from bumping into that darn hospital bed. It still occupied space in my bedroom and it needed to be removed. It seemed that it had not been worth $1,000.00 to obtain this medical equipment as Bill only used the bed the last five days of his life.

My dresser top was occupied by BP monitors, feeding apparatuses, glucose testing paraphernalia, medications, gloves, briefs, etc. Cases of unused liquid nourishment (Jevity) were stacked in front of my closet preventing my entry. Basins, urinals, and bathing supplies lined the counter top of the bathroom.

Toys for Noah with sand paper, stain and sealer remained on the shelf unfinished as Bill had never felt like working on his project. I promised to finish his woodworking for him and I did shortly after his death.

Bill’s clothes remained in boxes having been removed from either his closet or from the big truck that he had driven home from California. He weighed 310 lbs. In June 2002 and was around 180 lbs. At the time of his death. Most of his clothes went to my brother Tim including his hunter green housecoat and the slippers that he loved so much. These were a Christmas present for Bill the first year we lived in our house on St. Joseph in New Madrid. I had even had Bill’s initials embroidered on the housecoat. Bill had become so weak during his illness that the housecoat was too heavy for him to manage.

I felt comforted to give these things to Tim as he and Bill were friends. They had lots in common…both being big men, truck drivers, and being stubborn as mules…LOL!!!

Finally the medical Supply Company picked up the bed. I donated all equipment that I didn’t need to the Hospice services at the Visiting Nurse Association. The girls and I kept some of Bill’s shirts and wore them frequently in those first days. It was like being enveloped in one of Bill’s big bear hugs.

Next was straightening out my taste. During Bill’s illness, I lost my appetite. We were unable to cook as all odors nauseated him. We ate a lot of take out food and sandwiches but after being interrupted repeatedly to assist Bill while he was vomiting or having dry heaves, I just couldn’t eat at all anymore.

My diabetes was out of whack and I lost from 220 lbs. To 180 lbs. Certainly I needed to lose weight but golly this was the hard way of doing it. It was time to buy some groceries and to plan both a Thanksgiving and a Christmas menus.

And about sound…
My hearing was no longer being strained listening to Noah’s baby monitor for Bill’s calls. I was no longer listening to Bill’s favorite music and/or TV programs. I could search out the location of our Christmas CDs and go back to viewing my “soap operas” once again.

I could also sleep with both eyes shut and allow myself to drift deep enough into my sleep to actually wake up feeling rested. I would not be awakened in the middle of the night to empty an emesis basin, to administer pain medications, or to just talk about fears and worries.

I had been sick with an awful upper respiratory infection from the day that Bill had arrived home from the hospital. I reserved my “touch” for only essential activities as bed baths, back rubs, feedings, and medication administration. While these tasks were necessary, they weren’t necessarily what Bill really needed or wanted.

He would periodically capture me for a hug, kiss, gentle back scratch, or just to hold hands. He was finally learning about how to love and about true intimacy. I tried to avoid the kissing since I didn’t want to make him sicker but that thought seemed totally ludicrous since he was dying.

I scrubbed my hands so often that they were raw. The ends of my fingers were cracked and would not heal because of my “out of whack” diabetes. I asked the girls to give me a break from washing dishes. That really helped.

When Bill died, my hands were idle and I was lost as to how to replace all those activities. My need to nurture as by instinct reached out to Noah. I filled my arms with his small spirit, which was drawing me away from sadness and lost back to life and the joy of his smiles and laughter.

When Noah slept in my arms, he reminded me of the peace that I knew Bill was now enveloped within and I rocked us both into comforting thoughts and feelings. Thoughts away from sadness and into how to make the holidays as happy as I could.

I mentally searched my memory for where I had stored the Christmas decorations and for a plan for exactly where these decorations would best accommodate my inquisitive young grandson. I did not want to be constantly fussing at Noah not to touch anything. I identified so much with his need to touch, understand, and be connected.

I also needed to be an example for my daughters on how to process grief and to be willing to accept that while things would never be the same…life does go on.

Noah spends most of his day playing in the living room and kitchen so I placed all decorations there up high out of reach. I had a fold out Frosty the Snowman and a Santa Claus that both had accordion type circles at the bottoms. These were hung from the ceiling and were Noah’s favorite Christmas decorations.

Each morning he would raise his little arms up to entice me to pick him up. Then he’d point to each and jabber asking me to tell him their names over and over again. He was able to say “Claus” by Christmas. We bought him stuff toys of Santa and Frosty so he could also hold and touch his own versions of the guys floating above his head.

I put the tree in my bedroom where that awful hospital bed had been and built a Christmas Village on the shelf under my TV set. Everyday Noah would come sit in my lap on my bedroom floor and watch the lights of the tree and the music box in the village where a snowman watched over the ice skaters on the lake spin in circles.

The first few times that he came into the bedroom, he was confused and frowned. I knew that look was saying, “Where is my Grand Daddy?” There is no answer for an eleven-month-old baby.

One day during this time, I took Mary and Noah out to lunch where Amy was waittressing. We sat close to the cash register and Noah curiously watched as his mother took several patrons’ money. A middle aged man who had a stocky build and wore glasses, walked up to pay his check.

Noah got so excited that he nearly leaped out of his high chair. It was obvious that he thought the man was Bill. Mary burst into tears that she couldn’t turn off for several minutes and I knew it would take a long time before the memories of Grand Daddy would fade from Noah’s little mind and heart. Bill was his buddy.

All through the holidays instant tears would appear in each of us as memories of Christmas celebrations of the past 20 years drifted into our conscious minds. Amy took Bill’s place by putting the Christmas lights on the front porch. She finally understood why men grip over those decorations but she was proud of the job she had done. Noah really enjoyed looking at those lights before going to bed each night.

As hard as it was, in the end, our home looked much as it had each year in the past. The only differences were that these decorations were physically higher to match our heightened spiritual feelings. Feelings brought to us all as a results of Bill’s departure.







Date: Thurs Nov 28, 2002
Subject: Thanksgiving

So I started a new tradition with the Christmas decorations and had put up the decorations before Thanksgiving. You know us brain damaged people must take one task at a time and I wanted Noah to be able to enjoy the decorations for a longer period of time.

To be democratic, we decided that I would plan a menu for Thanksgiving and cook and Amy would take charge of the Christmas dinner. Mary would be chief bottle washer and the clean up crew.

This was my menu:

Turkey
Dressing
Mashed Potaoes
Gravy
Spinach Quiche
Cranberry Sauce
Rolls with Real Butter

Pecan Pie with Whipped Cream
Cheese Cake
Vanilla Ice Cream

Egg Nog
Regular & Non-Alcoholic Red Wine

Our Gratitude Prayers centered around being thankful that Bill was no longer suffering any pain. Many tears were shed as Bill really enjoyed holidays and doing part of the cooking. He usually cooked the turkey and made delicious Pecan Pies. I would make the rest of the accompanying dishes. We missed him emensely but still enjoyed our feast. Noah loved the quiche...



From: "'Resa"
Date: Mon Dec 2, 2002
Subject: Recycled Toys

I can't remember a time in my life that i didn't have to worry about money. Thank God one of my best friends here in Missouri owns & runs a consignment shop. She had been sitting aside all the toys that were in mint condition as they came in to her shop. I was able to get some great bargains for Noah's Christmas. It just required some cleaning and disinfection and a bunch of new batteries.





From: "Mary"
Date: Sat Dec 7, 2002
Subject: ToysRus

I promised Amy around Thanksgiving that I would take her to Toys R Us this December, in time to do the much-needed Christmas shopping for Noah that she was really anticipating. So, we picked a Sunday when we were both off work and Resa watched Noah while me and "mama" went to go get *Noah's Christmas*.

Well I had never been in a Toys R Us, at least not one that I remembered, save from the little tiny outlet mall type installations. Wow. The first thing I saw when I walked in the door was a little stuffed version of Rudolf from the claymation-type show they run every year. My inner child suddenly wanted to buy all of the little stuffed animals everywhere. I wanted to buy a monkey for an internet friend I have that really loves monkeys. It was amusing to me, that it had the same effect that it did on all the other little children running about shouting "hey mom! look at this!" I drug myself out of the stuffed animal section and walked through the store and helped my sister pick out some of the items on her list, and finding a few of my own, as well as aiding her in decision making.

All in all, I think we did a very good job. Noah was more than spoiled this year but it brought happiness to my face that he enjoyed everything he got and was concentrating very hard on the new items... how they worked and which things made noises. He's a very smart lil guy.

One day I hope we can take Noah in Toys R Us with us so he can see all the neat little toys :)



From: "'Resa"
Date: Mon Dec 9, 2002
Subject: A Sister's Love & The X Box

I felt so guilty after Bill died. I was worried that I hadn’t done a good enough job of taking care of him as a nurse while he was ill. Where did I get such an idea? Well, from Bill of course. He was so much like my Dad. (Never complimenting me on any of my accomplishments; criticizing the way I did everything; not letting me by the expert on any topic; believing there was only one right way to do anything…their way)

Bill was an unpleasant and very uncooperative patient. I had to dig out my nursing license and read him the riot act because he was so argumentative. He complained to the hospice nurse that I was impatient with him and that he doubted my ability to take care of him till the end. He made me furious and broke my heart at the same time. I began to doubt myself and my abilities.

When it was all over, it took the hospice nurse telling me at the visitation that I had really given Bill excellent nursing care during his illness, for me to start feeling better. Somehow another nurse’s opinion held more weight because only another nurse knew what and how his care should have been provided.

I discovered through this experience that I am a great nurse, wife, friend and grandmother. And while I watched my daughters caring for, loving and helping each other during the holidays, I also realized that I had done a pretty terrific good of motherhood too.

We had a family conference after Thanksgiving where we all shared what we really wanted for Christmas materially.

I wanted a display case for the black powder gun that Robbie had given Bill for Christmas, a case for the flag and shells that I was presented with at the funeral, a new hair dryer, some new underwear, and some make-up.

Both girls wanted one big present. Neither believed that they should or could expect a $300 present with the state of our finances.

Mary’s idol is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She wanted a new game that would require an expensive X-Box on which to play this new Buffy game.

Amy wanted a camcorder.

Soon after Bill’s diagnosis, both girls feeling the financial insecurity of our situation, had renewed their efforts to find more work. Amy was more successful in her efforts as Mary’s hours at her part-time job were steadily being cut drastically.

One day I overheard Amy cut a deal with Mary to help her get her X-Box for Christmas. Amy offered to pay Mary for her babysitting services in exchange for all the tips that she would earn waitressing on her new job.

This gesture not only helped Mary earn the money to buy the X-Box herself but made her feel that she was contributing by relieving me from having to take care of both Bill and Noah.

Once Amy had collected $300, she put it in an envelope and gave it to Mary. I was so proud of Amy that the next day I took her shopping and let her pick out the camcorder that she wanted and I paid for it. Now she would be able to record Noah’s first holidays.

Later the girls pooled their money and bought me all those things that I had put on my wish list. We all contributed to Noah’s Christmas. I am very proud of my family and our successes.



From: "'Resa"
Date: Sat Dec 14, 2002
Subject: Green Velvet/Sweaters/Music & Videos

I needed two dresses, one for Christmas and one for Noah’s Baptism. So I headed back to my friend’s consignment shop. I had been wearing black since October and I kinda had a red velvet dress in mind for Christmas. After losing forty pounds, I wasn’t even sure what size I was in now.

I was temporarily side tracked by a rack of beautiful sweaters and ended up buying several for all us girls. I couldn’t pass them up at $2 a piece.

I was running out of time to shop so I began to look at the dresses and found the perfect dress for the baptism. Just before I was ready to give up on the velvet dress, I discovered a rack of gowns & prom dresses. The rack was so crammed full of dresses that I was unable to push them aside to see them all. I started pushing my hand blindly into the rack of dresses and just feeling for anything that felt like velvet material. Suddenly I felt velvet and extracted a dark green, long sleeved, fully lined floor length dress. It was homemade and had no size marked on the tag. I asked my friend to let me take the dress home to try it on. I thought, ‘What the heck it should fit one of us.'

Amy bugged me to try the dress on as soon as she saw it. The dress fit me like it had been made for me and I felt like a princess ready to go to a birthday party of the King. My friend being aware of my finances and after selling me a bunch of toys and sweaters, let me purchase the dress for $4.50. I had to laugh when it cost me $8.50 to have the gown dry cleaned.

I wore that dress to Christmas Eve Mass. I felt so feminine, beautiful and elegant. It was good to wear something that was not black. It said to me that Jesus was healing my pain and that I could feel happy on the occasion of the birth of baby Jesus.

Amy bought Noah several Christmas tapes. She is so silly. She said that she use to be amused when she heard the song, “Grandma got ran over by a Reindeer.” But she couldn’t feel the same now that I was a grandma.

I told her that I actually thought the song was pretty funny myself and that I enjoyed being a grandma and that I laughed at myself all the time.

We got some blank videotape and recorded all the Christmas programs that my girls had enjoyed as children. Then we’d make big bowls of popcorn (Noah calls it bopcorn) and watch them all with Noah. We all agreed that, “How the Grinche Stole Christmas” was our favorite. I still haven’t seen the movie that Jim Carey made of that…maybe next year!

I have been singing, “Jingle Bells” to Noah since he was born. It puts him right to sleep. People wondered why I sang a Christmas song for a lullaby. The simple truth is that I had forgotten all the words to all the children songs that I had sang to my girls when they were little. “Jingle Bells” had stuck in my memory so that was what I sang.





From: "'Resa"
Date: Sun Dec 15, 2002
Subject: Baptism Plans/Amy's Cooking!

This was Amy's Christmas Menu:

Cornish Game Hens
Wild Rice with Mushrooms
Corn on the Cob
Gravy
Spinach Quiche
Macaroni and Cheese
Crescent Rolls with Real Butter
Candied Yams with Marshmellows

Pecan Pie with Whipped Cream
Turtle Pie
Vanilla Ice Cream

Egg Nog
Regular & Non-Alcoholic Red Wine

Amy cooked a wonderful meal that was enjoyed by all. It was the first time that Mary and I had eaten Cornish Game Hens. We tried very hard not to gain any weight during the holidays but of course with all this good food that was an impossibility. We'll just have to redouble our dieting efforts after the new year.

Amy made plans with Father Mike to have Noah's Baptism on January 12th after the 11:00 am Mass. She picked her cousin Brandon Robbins to be Noah's Godfather and her sister Mary Robbins to be Noah's Godmother. They were both honored to be chosen for this responsibility. Amy sent out invitations by email and snail mail and plans to get Noah an ice cream cake from Diary Queen to also celebrate Noah's first Birthday which is actually on January the 8th.

Everyone is invited to Rosie's on Highway 61 in New Madrid where Amy has been working to eat lunch after the Baptism and to share a piece of Birthday Cake with us. Amy and Father Mike both promised Bill to get our little guy Noah baptized as soon as possible and we all thought it would be better to wait until after the holidays and to have it close to his birthday.





From: "'Resa"
Date: Sat Dec 21, 2002
Subject: Noah Goes to Church

Amy and I decided that we better take Noah to church to see how he might react to it before Christmas and his Baptism. We sat in the cry room. He was awful. He must have thought that we were in a new playroom all by ourselves. He kicked his shoes on the pews, tried to peel the paint off the walls, was louder than he usually is at home, and we had brought all the wrong toys (to loud or to hard). You would have thought that he was in there making major renovations to the room. We decided to try sitting inside the church on Christmas as Noah is shy and we believed that he would be more subdued...LOL!!!



From: "'Resa"
Date: Tues Dec 24, 2002
Subject: Christmas Mass/Bill Remembered

Christmas Eve Mass was held at 5:00 PM. It was already starting to get dark when we were all getting dressed for church. I went outside to check the temperature and it had started to snow making for the “White Christmas” that Bing Crosby always sang about. With the Christmas lights twinkling on the front porch and the gigantic snowflakes floating down to the ground, everything seemed magical.

When we arrived at church the choir was singing Christmas Carols and the church was absolutely beautiful. I had never seen so many poinsettias in one place. Noah tried to sing along in his gibberish vocabulary. His eyes danced around looking at all the people and decorations.

My green velvet dress must have felt very comfortable since he slept in my arms throughout the entire service.

After church we took a now wide-awake and curious Noah up to see the nativity scene. Amy carried him around to look at the ornamentation on each of the church’s windowsills. It is a tradition in our church to place decorations along with a lit candle on the windowsills in remembrance of all the parishioners who had died during the year. We found the window for Bill and said a silent prayer.

When we got home we took some pictures of ourselves in our Christmas outfits. We haven’t gotten the photos back but when we do I’ll post some on this page.

I watched Noah for Amy while she placed all of Noah’s goodies under the Christmas tree. We turned in early but I didn’t sleep. I was listening for the phone to ring or the sounds of an 18-Wheeler’s engine whining outside the trailer.





From: "Amy"
Date: Wed Dec 25, 2002
Subject: Christmas Day

Space reserved for Amy's Post





From: "'Resa"
Date: Thurs Dec 26, 2002
Subject: The Aftermath

The Christmas decorations have been put away, space for the new toys have been found, and it has turned into a new year. While I enjoyed the holidays I was also sad and relieved when they were finally over. My hands are now idle again and looking for new projects to keep me busy, aid my healing, and give me purpose in these middle years. Happy New Year from the Robbins family!!!

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